Mom of an Angel
Wandering Purgatory
Now I lay me down to sleep.
My mind began to run through the popular children’s prayer.
Were they sure…absolutely, positively sure?
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
He looked as if he might just be asleep, eyelids outlined with golden colored eyelashes resting peacefully on tiny cheeks.
His tiny perfectly shaped little lips were dusty rose in color and were slightly parted as if waiting for a kiss.
If I should die before I wake.
He never got the chance to wake.
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Releasing Ted’s hand I suddenly had the need to unwrap the blanket.
I tugged at it gingerly at first, looking to the nurse for reassurance. Reassured, I pulled the cloth away.
I had to see my little boy.
I had to see all 10 fingers and all 10 toes.
I had to see that he was perfect in every way.
I had to see now because this was the only chance I was ever going to get.
I would never get to spend countless hours marveling at the simple perfection of my baby.
The thought was more than I could bear.
With tears streaming down my cheeks, I had to lay my head back against the pillow to catch my breath, because once again the heaviness in my chest threatened to choke the very life from me.
The nurse took this as a sign. A sign of all I could bear, she came forward, gathered my little miracle up and took him away.
It was the first time.
It was the last time.
It was the only time I saw my baby...."
In 1986 my first child was stillborn at 40 weeks gestation. In those early days the heaviness of the grief I felt pressing in on me threatened to choke the very breath from my lungs. I felt as if I was lost in the deepest pits of Hell. Only to learn that Hell had a new level of despair when a Priest informed us that our baby was doomed to "wander forever in purgatory" because he had not been baptized. This was just one of the many painful pitfalls that caused a delay in my healing process. Eventually this delay led to the loss of my marriage, prescription drug abuse and finally depression.
I have written my story in sincere hope that not another soul shall suffer the death of a baby as I have, alone, shattered, lost, scared and misunderstood. Walk with me as I finally find hope for healing, even after 20 years, in the most unexpected of ways.
I invite you to read my story now. It is my wish that you find comfort in the words and hope in the pages. I only ask that you be gentle in your judgement and abundant in your compassion.
If you have found yourself here may we extend our deepest condolences to you and yours. Through awareness items we shall empower, educate and illuminate that which is pregnancy, infant and child loss.
Visit us on Facebook at (Stories of Babies Born Still) ~ "For this cause I write these things, not for the purpose of tearing down, but for building up." -2 Corinthians 13:10
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